When Love Hurts
The Content Below References Acts of Violence
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The Content Below References Acts of Violence -
October is nationally recognized as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month through educational events, community gatherings, and support groups. This year I wanted to do something to bring more awareness due to the recent rise in violence to women and men during the stress of the pandemic and its wake.
In October of 1987 the first National Domestic Violence Awareness Month was observed. In 1989 Congress passed Public Law 101-112, officially designating October of that year as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are victims of physical violence by a partner every year.
An article published in the Huffington Post, 30 Shocking Domestic Violence Statistics That Remind Us It’s An Epidemic, shared that the number of women who were murdered by current or ex-male partners between 2001 – 2012 was 11,766, nearly twice the number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between that same time frame. In addition to being more likely to experience domestic violence, persons of color may also find it more difficult to seek help in part to cultural or religious views, distrust of law enforcement, racism and/or classism.
We don’t always know what is going on in one another's lives and behind closed doors. Domestic violence is on the rise. Domestic abuse can escalate quickly. Please do not expect to rescue someone or have all of the answers. If you reach out, do so when everything is calm. Let them know that you are there to be a listening ear and will not betray their trust. Chances are, they already feel shattered and broken inside. They need a safe place emotionally as well as physically.
People often rush to judgement, pressure others, place shame, and guilt when someone is in an abusive relationship in a failed attempt to “help” them see the error of their ways. While it is understandable to a point, you have to know what it is like to be on the victim’s side. Most people are paralyzed with fear, have been traumatized systematically, and are unaware that they have allowed their emotional boundaries to erode to the point that their self-esteem is so low they have reached their current position in life. It is particularly difficult for those with children, who will not have insurance, are financially dependent (no matter the socio-economic level), isolated from their emotional support system, disabled, caring for a special needs child, and/or chronically ill.
The abuser will also attempt to further isolate the person as well. There may be a lot of “rules” in their home. For example:
Strict dress code
Odd diet
Not allowed to co-parent with ex
Shows resentment towards children
Financial control
Not allowed to have social media accounts
Must share all passwords
Not allowed to see anyone alone
Not allowed to see friends or family that they don’t “approve” of
Not allowed to worship or they can only have a certain religion and/or attend a particular place of worship
Forced career change
Forced relocation
Unable to work
Not allowed to drive
It usually presents as what we think of as “cute” jealousy in the beginning; however, it is often times a deep-seated root of mistrust, an attempt to control, and the building blocks of a very dysfunctional relationship.
The time that a man is most likely to start physically abusing his partner is when she is pregnant with his child.
THINK. ABOUT. THAT.
Physical abuse is most likely to begin after a women is pregnant with that man’s child.
This is when the “accidents” typically begin. I have had friends allegedly walk into doors, fall down stairs, hit themselves, get knocked over by the dog, walk into walls, be kicked by a child in the stomach…. The list of excuses goes on and on. To any trained professional, we know when they are lying. Now, you will have a better idea of what to look for. If you see a pregnant woman with bruises and/or a broken bone that does not want to go directly to the ER to check on her child that is a strong warning sign that she is hiding something. Please watch all of the pregnant ladies and new moms in your lives closely. They already have hundreds of other stressors. They don’t need to be concerned about their physical safety. It should be a given instead of a luxury.
Here are some signs to look for in anyone that may be abused and while I am saying she, I want to be abundantly clear that men are not immune from being victims either:
Injuries - especially anything repetitive
Defensive wounds - arms, wrists
Lack of confidence
Quiet or meek
Eating and sleeping more or less than normal
Nervous/jumpy
Excessive use of alcohol
Drug use
Depression
Lack of interest in hobbies and activities
Doesn’t return calls, texts, messages
Cancels plans - usually abruptly
Self-isolating
Private about things they used to openly discuss
Wears long sleeves, pants, long skirts, and high necks in the heat
The abusers promise that they will change, but they don’t. Then, the victim is confused because the person they chose to love and build a life with has left them feeling alone, tired, desperate, afraid, and in despair. It all seems so unfair. Why would they want to give up if he promises he will change and does for a day? Everything goes back to better than normal during the “love-bombing” phase and it is like they were dating again. It is the constant push and pull that abusers use to manipulate their victims which reinforces the trauma bond.
She has to learn on her own. When she is ready, she will be ready. It is an emotional marathon that can’t be won while she is still with the abuser. She may even be scared that no one will ever love her again. She may not be able to see her future without him. With your support, she will know that someone cares, she is loved, and worthy. While you can be there to encourage, you cannot push. You may only alienate her. It can feel similar to the pressure she receives from her abuser, so she may complain about you, and then you will no longer be an “approved” friend.
All we can usually do is listen and validate her feelings. If you know something is actively occurring, please be “that” person. Call 911. Initially, she will most likely be angry, but you could save a life and stop a systematic trail of abusive relationships that could span generations. It is always better to offer to help than to be silent; however, you have to be prepared to lose a friend. Most of the abusers are narcissists and they are more addictive than any substance on Earth. You have to think of the relationship as an addiction.
Please learn the hand signal below so that you can tell others if you are currently in danger. If you can’t get help, they can call for you.
Learn The Signal For Help - It has already saved one life
Here is one of the stories that makes me so passionate; however, all likenesses are purely accidental.
I am honored to be the friend that people often confide in. It brings me joy to help others. If I can help them by simply listening without judgment that is an effortless thing for me to do. I love virtually all of the people that I meet.
In a prior home, we had a neighbor that was a disabled vet in a wheelchair, but you would never know he didn’t have legs. He was a wild man, out on the town, working on cars, or boating across the lake when we suddenly lost him too soon. It was very sad. He was a great guy. Well, we all know that the VA isn’t ever in a hurry to do anything, so the home sat empty for seven years in a not-so-nice neighborhood.
Much to our delight, a “nice” young man that had just been discharged from the military and worked in the aerospace industry purchased the house. After seven years of sitting, rotting, and looting, he remodeled it so it was nicer than ever. He went through a wild point where he had a band and we prayed he would outgrow it. He did. He brought home a lovely lady. That Christmas the sweet young couple came over to introduce themselves for the first time and brought us cookies she burnt to a crisp. Later, I discovered she made him go to every house on the block! Kennedi was like that.
Soon, they were married and talking about children. Kennedi turned their house into a home. She was beautiful, sweet, kind, talented, educated, and engaging. Kennedi walked to work each morning, rain or shine, because she had severe epilepsy, so she never had a driver’s license. Kennedi had her Masters in Education and left being a Kindergarten Teacher to be an Administrator for a private school with multiple locations because it allowed her more freedom. She had problems working with the children because she caught everything they had (this was pre-Covid). Kennedi had to hug them. That was her. It wasn’t optional. Hugs cured everything.
First, it started with screaming. I decided to go at it from an HR/military point of view. I told him that if anyone else could hear them, they were not as kind as I was, and they called the police, it would trigger an RRU (request for reinvestigation) and it would jeopardize his government security clearance and career. He hit her because we were friends and I was “threatening his job”. I made it onto the “unapproved” friend list for extending professional courtesy to an abuser. We couldn’t even be friends on Facebook. Granted Kennedi was telling me that he never hit her at this point and it was “just yelling”.
Educators are paid monthly. They had joint accounts. They shared everything, but the house was pre-existing property. All of her salary went into savings and Kennedi was given a small allowance. She needed to go out of town for professional development, so her mom went with her to chauffeur. She was paid that weekend. When they went to put gas in the car as they left Houston, every one of Kennedi’s bank and credit cards had been cancelled. All of their accounts were closed. She was stranded out of town and penniless. It only takes one account holder to open a new account in just their name, transfer the funds, and close the joint accounts.
I have been there. Twice. I told her it is just money. She would make more. He was showing his true character by endangering her by being petty and not even allowing her to have what was hers! Financial abuse is all about control.
Thank goodness Mom came along! Kennedi’s mom got them back to DFW, but when they got to the house, he had changed all the locks and had begun throwing everything she owned in the trash. Kennedi called me. I was pissed. I called Code Enforcement and turned him in for multiple violations knowing our fence wasn’t up to code, so he called on us. Our neighbors fixed it for free because apparently everyone despised him. He lost his prized boat and we all rejoiced. There is righteous anger.
She temporarily moved home with her parents, hired an Attorney, and got Law Enforcement involved. Next, she obtained an escort and was able to get her clothes and dog (that he was holding hostage) about a month later. After that, it was worse. He was calling her and telling her she was less than human, couldn’t do anything, was worthless, was damaged goods, wasn’t good for anything, etc because she was epileptic. She was “flawed”. He said no one would want her. If that was her “flaw”, I have a few choice words to say about him I will keep to myself. Soon, she found a nice home of her own close to us and things were looking up.
Then, he started in on this kick about how she had ruined his life. I told her not to answer the phone and if he called from somewhere else to hang up. No one should take that kind of abuse and that is what Attorneys are for, but it got to her. He knew exactly how to hurt her. He had plenty of practice. He was in her head like a broken record. He poisoned my sweet friend with his words and contempt for himself.
She died from suicide. It may have been by her hand, but he is responsible. She is a casualty of domestic abuse and I won’t ever forget Kennedi. Every Christmas I think of her every time I see a Christmas cookie. What I wouldn’t give for a burnt cookie and to hear her laugh. I wish she was still with us.
I asked myself for years if I could have done more. Could I have helped save her life? Could I have made an impact? I could only do what she would allow without violating her trust. I have had to make peace with that, but it is the hard truth. I pray for Kennedi’s family regularly. She left a big hole in all of our lives.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse, please go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. If you are in danger call 911.
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to actual people, living or dead, or actual events, are purely coincidental.
